I woke up, threw some sweat pants on

Then I fed my cat and I walked to the mini mart

And I really want a donut, shouldn't get a donut

Bought a donut, fuck it man it's really hard

Supposed to be on a diet, I wanna be like Ryan

He lost thirty pounds on that paleo

But fuck it man I love fried shit

I was gonna get skinny for the summer

I was gonna start doing my crunches

But looking down at my stomach

I'm a go to the beach, but I'm not taking my shirt off in public

My girl shaped like a bottle of Coke

Me? I'm shaped like a bottle of nope

I'd like to order a hot dog, some bon bons

A large soda, and some tacos to go

I never knew what a carbohydrate was

Turns out that it's all the snacks I love

I wanna be like Hugh Jackman, you know jacked man

With a really huge package

I wanna be the 2015 Batman

And send Ben Affleck packing

If you ain't gonna treat Jennifer Garner right

You don't deserve to have that

You better pass that to the homie Matt Damon

He eat the booty like Pac Man

You know I feel good about this place

You know I feel good about this steak

You know I feel good about this shake

You know I feel good about these plates

You know I feel good about these crepes

You know I feel good about this cake

You know I just love how it tastes

I'm not gonna wait, I'm not tripping about my weight, no

Happy New Years

Everybody got a resolution

But the next day, we forget about it never do 'em

I went to the gym and got a membership

Five minutes on the treadmill and I never lift

That was four years ago I should probably cancel this

But they tell me I gotta do it in person, ain't that a bitch?

But tomorrow though, I'm a get fit

Get me a fuel band and a fit-bit

Get me some workout shoes, and a bench press

Some mulu lemons and a french press

I'm a finally focus do some private yoga

Exercise my shoulders, I'm a hide the donuts

Realign my posture, no time for sofas

I'm finally sober no lime Coronas

But again, that's tomorrow

And today man I gotta go big cause it's my last day

Before I lose that weight, I gotta get one last plate and go big

I ate all night, Kool-Aid on ice

I woke up and I felt like shit

And I said, "you know what, man fuck it

I should probably start on Monday instead"

Motherfucker let's eat

You know I feel good about this place

You know I feel good about this steak

You know I feel good about this shake

You know I feel good about these plates

You know I feel good about these crepes

You know I feel good about this cake

You know I just love how it tastes

I'm not gonna wait, I'm not tripping about my weight, no