I starred in every high school play

Blew every drama teacher away

Graduated first in my class at Juilliard

Took every acting workshop I could

And I dreamed of Hollywood

While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard

Hit the boards and paid my dues

And got phenomenal rave reviews

I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt

I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone

Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone

But the years have come and gone

And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out

I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride

Skipper Dan is the name

And I'm doin' 34 shows every day

And every time it's the same

Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears

Just like they've done for the last 50 years

Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside

'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

Oh, the critics, they used to say

I was the new Olivier

Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes

Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDb me

The only place you might possibly see me

Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland

It ain't exactly what I planned

But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride

Skipper Dan is the name

And I'm doin' 34 shows every day

And every time it's the same

I would've killed if I'd been in